Depression is a Medical Condition
YOU can Beat It.
You can Enjoy Life Again...
What is Depression or Depressive Anxiety and more important to me!
Why did it happen to me?
And I needed to know, how was I going to fight back to regain my self-esteem?
Also what are the effects on other men?
I am now 58 year old. I am a single male, and a few years ago I was diagnosed as suffering with 'IT'.
I was told I was in the grip of the whole damn group,
Depression, Anxiety Attacks and even the mad Panic Attacks.
Being a bloke, I had to ask. What the "£@#&*! is this thing that has taken hold of me?
and
Why ME?
How did this happen to ME?
In my search for answers I visited and asked that question to as many of the professional and medically trained experts I could find.
My employer even sent me to their so called expert Medical Examiners! However, I found out that was to determine if I had become a risk to the organisation!!!!! It turned out my manager was frightened I may become an embarrassment to him and our employer. Wow talk about a stigma response.
Okay so back to my question "Why ME" and what was I going to do about it?
I was given a variety of answers. I am still unsure what the term Depression really means.
However to me, it seems to be a term given to cover the gamut of negative and extremely sad and self destructive emotions that were haunting me.
Looking back on it now, I find several things very interesting.
Through a series of events my life had turned to hell and being a bloke I did not talk about what was happening and I did nothing about my feelings. I just accepted my feelings as the way things were in life.
Eventually with an uncontrolled build up of inner aggression my emotions went through a total melt-down.
It was not until that eruption and my emotional stability was turned upside down that I accepted something was wrong and I needed to fight back.
But, it was not until a name was eventually put to what had happened to me that I was able to start my fight to try and turn things around.
I knew in myself I needed to regain my self-esteem and defeat the negative power of my Depression and override the effect of those Anxiety Attacks.
I knew something was tragically wrong and my emotions were spiralling out of control.
Once that negative power was given an identity I was then able to start my attack on it.
Before my illness was diagnosed, how did I feel?
In one word, lost.
I was like the 'little boy lost'. I had a constant feeling of despair and an empty anxiety in my gut, just under my diaphragm. The world was falling in on me and I did not know why.
The eventual overwhelming eruption and onset of this thing they call Depression apparently took hold of me as a result of several work related events that overloaded my ability to manage other 'life' issues. The work issues happened in sequence over a very short space of time and my Depression, Anxiety Attacks and Panic all invaded me with one combined rush of devastation.
All I remember is;
I could not eat properly.
My sleep pattern was all over the place, I had nights where I could not sleep at all and then days when I could not stay awake.
At times I had incredible night sweats, sweat would flow along my body. It got so bad I would sleep on large bath towels and replace them a couple of times through the night.
There were nights when I would wake up in a state of deep panic with my heart pounding so strongly it felt as though I was being assaulted by fists from the inside.
My personality had changed.
I was uncharacteristically verbally aggressive toward people.
Unknown surroundings brought on extreme feelings and destructive anxiety attacks.
Some days I would be hit with a rush of panic for no apparent reason.
I became anxious just talking to friends.
My job was put at risk.
I was tired of life. I just wanted to walk off the edge of the earth.
I felt worthless and had no value to myself.
Panic attacks would overwhelm me and stop me in my tracks. Some days I could not drive on the open highway.
Being within groups of people could bring on periods of extreme anxiety, even when the groups of people were people I knew.
A strong feeling of sadness constantly hung over me like a dark cloud.
I lacked interest in all forms of life.
My depression had me withdrawing into myself. I stopped my social life and pulled away from community functions.
I resigned from my position within my local Community Services Club.
I became self-conscious of my reactions.
I became embarrassed about myself and could not face friends.
I had attacks of impending doom and gloom.
I felt life was over and there was no reason to hang around.
I felt worthless and I felt nobody would miss me if I was not here.
All the pleasure of life had been sucked out of me.
YOU COULD SAY LIFE WAS NOT GOOD FOR ME!!!!!
I now believe my Depression may have been sitting with me, on my shoulders for a number of years just waiting for an inappropriate time to announce itself, but without knowing it was there I just carried on and I would block its effects.
'Ignorance is Bliss'
But as I mentioned above, everything was brought to an explosive life changing eruption through that progressive series of negative work related events. The overwhelming eruption coupled with my failure to recognize the warning signs almost destroyed me.
A sad reflection I remember about that time was the reactions of some of my male work colleagues. It was as though my illness frightened them, or they did not understand and they suddenly distanced themselves from me as much as they could. It was as though my Depression threatened them and their security!
It has only been since the eruption and open onset of my Depression, Anxiety attacks and Panic attacks that I have started to recognize some of my earlier symptoms of my hidden Depression that quietly hunted and haunted me for so long.
When I look back and put the pieces of the jig-saw of my life together I feel the Three Brothers - Depression, Anxiety and Panic have walked with me during different times for many years.
However now I recognize them, they no longer frighten me!
I have great respect for their power but they do not control me.
Occasionally, when my energy is low one will try to drag me back into their control for awhile.
If something significant happens to unbalance me, all three may pop in for one of their attacks on me and try to play games with my emotions.
Fortunately their influence does not stay with me for as long these days - it is as though they know I have the power to move them out of my space.
Read through the pages on this Web Site, it is the story of my journey read what allowed me to see, and now manage, the destruction that Depression caused to my life?
If you are in the grip of Depression it is not your fault. Depression is a medical condition. Recognise the symptoms and be kind to yourself.
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